I've had these thoughts rambling for many days, and only hope and pray that I can convey in words what has filled my heart. And, I promise if you can stick with the story long enough, you'll enjoy the video that follows. Somehow, God has used the words of a Barbie song to affirm his love for me.
I determined from the beginning of this blog that I would be transparent. I wanted the world to know that God is good, He is the helper of the fatherless, adoption is His idea, but everyday is not easy. I have prayed from the moment we committed to adopting a little girl with spina bifida that God would manifest His glory in and through our family.
Learning that Ellie would have to use a catheter up to 5 times a day came as a big blow to me. I look back at that day now, and the days to follow, and I can say those days were some of my lowest ever. There have been few times in my almost 45 years when I have sunk as low. I was devastated. In some ways, I was numb. I wouldn't talk about it. I tried not to think about it. I was disappointed. Though I knew of the possibility, I really thought we would have other options to consider.
But, today, I can truly say, "God's grace is sufficient." I am amazed at the peace I have now. I am amazed that I am pretty good at inserting a catheter now--me, Robbie, 4th grade school teacher, NOT-the nurse--me. I can do it. That is Jesus.
I am amazed at Ellie's attitude towards the change. Ellie. Stubborn. Strong-Willed. Determined. Independent. She goes to the potty most of the time, willingly, to do what needs to be done. She is proud of her pee pee that goes into the potty now, rather than her pull-up. She is proud of her panties when they are dry. That is Jesus.
But, then I think...Why am I amazed? I can hear Jesus saying, "Oh ye of little faith?" He has promised never to leave me or forsake me. He has not forsaken me and He has not forsaken Ellie. I have learned that, before learnign to use catheters, many adults with spina bifida have a shortened life span due to kidney failure. I was speechless again when I considered this thought...had Ellie remained in China, she would likely never received the diagnostics that would determine cathing was necessary to protect her kidney. God brought her home to us to give her LIFE!
And, while I am not super spiritual, and I, in my flesh, find it impossible to live a life that shouts, "In everything give thanks," I can thank him for the storm that began 2 weeks ago. I'm not ready to thank him that my Ellie has to use a catheter 4 or 5 times a day. I would still pray for a miracle that her body would be healed. But, I'm beginning to wonder.
Perhaps, he has performed a greater miracle.
Ellie's medical condition has not changed. But, God has changed me.
In my total inadequacy, he equipped me to do what I needed to do. Truly, I am NOT nurse material. I don't like blood. I don't like guts. I don't like CSI. I don't watch much of the Discovery Channel. I leave the room if Stan is watching Operation.
But, in the beginning, I would walk into that bathroom and say, "Jesus, hold my hand." In only a few days, I was not freaking out about the idea any more. In a week, I was pretty good at it. In a couple of weeks, it already feels "almost" routine. His strength has truly been PERFECT in my weakness.
And Ellie...Ellie has this promise. God is faithful. He will not allow her to be tempted beyond what she can bear, not today, not tomorrow, not ever. He has already provided for her a way to stand against the temptation...the temptation to give up, to temptation to give in. He created her...fearfully and wonderfully. He gave her every ounce of tenacity that sometimes drives her mother insane, and more often her daddy. But, that same tenacity given to her by Him will allow her life to bear witness to God's promises. He will use his perfect creation in her to bring Himself glory.
And, I, get to go along for the ride.
Won't you join us?
(Scroll to the bottom and pause the sound of the play list player.)
