You already know my boys are graduating this year. Tonight, though, is Senior night at the football game. We will meet Brandon and the football team at 4:45. The team will have its annual senior walk. Every senior player will have a Bear paw sprayed on the field with their number. Then at 6:30, we'll meet again and walk on the field with Brandon before the game begins.
This is our last home game. I was a little sad on senior night when Whitney was a senior. She was in the band. Tonight, though, is somehow more somber for me. Perhaps it's because I won't have any kids in high school again for 9 years, so high school football games won't be the same for a while. I've been watching high school football diligently for the past 7 years.
But, another reason my heart is fluttering is because it's Brandon. I am so thankful that the LORD has allowed us to be part of his life. What makes me hurt, though, is that for two years, he played football and I didn't know how difficult his life had become. I watched him play, and I loved him, but I wasn't his "mama" then. And for years before that, I saw him at various functions, I said, "Hello," I hugged him, I said, "I love you," and soemtimes he even came home with us, but he never shared what he was REALLY going through. I suppose I'm mourning the loss of those years when he was not with us. I pray that we've spent enough time with him for him to know how much he is loved.
Sometimes Brandon says, "I'm tired of football." And, I know he is!!! I couldn't take all of that work. But, he's recently discussed how his outlet for his previous homelife has been sports. I don't think he'll admit it, but I think he'll be saddened by it all tonight, too.
The thought of his leaving us so soon after we became a family grieves me so. I know that I trust in the ONE who knows, and I do trust that He loves Brandon more than I do.
I wonder how often He grieves for us. When we have not spent as much time with Him as He would have wanted us to spend, does He hurt? When he allows us to venture away from Him, knowing that some of our decisions will not be good for us, but that we will learn from those mistakes, do his eyes fill with tears?
I will wipe the tears from my eyes now. It's almost time to get ready. I'll keep trusting in Jesus, go love on Brandon, ask Jesus to keep loving on him, and....
I'll post pictures of the smiles covering the tears tomorrow.